09 April 2021

The 20 Best Roller Coaster Names in the World

In honor of the reopening of Coney Island after its year of hiatus, we give you the definitive list of the twenty best roller coaster names in the world.


20. Train Glide On Air (Bao Son Paradise Park, Hanoi, Vietnam)

This is the name that inspired this project. Who would not want to ride Train Glide on Air? It sounds like the most amazing experience to be had, or the most amazing to be had at an amusement park at any rate. Certainly better than Car Slide On Rail.

If we are being truthful, the English version of this ride’s name is probably just a bad translation; something more in the spirit of the original would probably be “Train in the Sky” or “Flying Train” or another appellation far more prosaic. Nevertheless, “Train Glide On Air” is what the website says; “Train Glide On Air” shall it be called.


19. Jet Coaster Super Dolphin (Uminonakamichi Seaside Park, Fukuoka, Japan)

“Jet Coaster” is apparently just the generic Japanese name for “roller coaster”; many Japanese amusement parks have a ride called “Jet Coaster” or some variation thereof. That part is not the point here.

As for the rest: for a seaside park, dolphin would be reasonable enough, if, as we would argue, a little unintimidating. But Super Dolphin? That should really be a Pixar movie. Admit it: you have never in your life considered the possibility of a super dolphin, and now the idea thrills you. Imagine the powers Super Dolphin might have. It could fly! Like … a jet!

Sadly, like many of the rides on this list, Jet Coaster Super Dolphin appears no longer to exist. You cannot experience the Super Dolphin’s roller coaster (jet coaster) simulacrum. Apparently a name alone, no matter how great, is not enough to preserve a ride forever.

While we are here, please say Uminonakamichi three times fast.


18. Tyrolean Tubtwist (Joyland Childrens Fun Park, Great Yarmouth, England)

This is, we confess, not that great a name. The ride consists of tubs that twist as they run along a track through faux Tyrolean scenery. Nevertheless, we place it here in order to share this spectacular video of a man having fun in spite of himself.*

*Let’s be honest, that could be us.


17. Abandon Mine (Uncle Bernie's Theme Park, Fort Lauderdale, Florida)

Who doesn’t love a roller coaster name with a grammatical error that leaves you pondering other potential meanings. Abandon your what, exactly? Abandon your children? Not if we’re leaving them in the care of Uncle Bernie, who owns the sort of theme park that can’t even be bothered to get their rides’ names correct. Someone in the sign shop made that sign, saw it was wrong, and said, “Eh - close enough.” Imagine the kind of message that sends to the maintenance crew. Or maybe Bernie runs the whole place, locking your kids into the carts, throwing the lever to start the ride, heading over to the concession stand to serve a couple burgers while your kids circle the track endlessly, cigarette dangling from his lower lip, unshaven, impervious to the howls coming from over there, what was it I was doing before I came over here to the grill? “Abandon Hope” seems a bit more accurate.


(Bonus Entry) Wiking Coaster (RabkolandRabkaPoland)

There’s not really anything special about this name. However, we call it out here for the helpful translation on the page, “‘Wiking Coaster’ is Polish for ‘Viking Coaster’.” And, because it’s really fun to say “Wiking Coaster.”

You should also follow the link for the totally adorable picture of a tot riding Wiking Coaster.


16. Wolverine Wildcat (Michigan’s Adventure, Muskegon, Michigan)

We get what they were going for here. Wildcat is a pretty common roller coaster name, verging on the pedestrian. The Roller Coaster Database lists 60 rides called “Wildcat,” not including a number more called “Wild Cat” or some other variation. It’s practically generic, like “Jet Coaster” in Japan. So, you know, Michigan’s Adventure, wolverines are the state mammal of Michigan or something, also their football teams; presto: the Wolverine Wildcat. If the park were Japan’s Adventure and the ride were the Jet Coaster Super Wolverine, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.*

*Clearly we would.

But: “practically generic” is not quite generic, in the way that having practically earned your driver’s license cuts no ice with the cops. And so we instead have this modern, theme park version of a gryphon, with the head of a wolverine and the body of a mountain lion, or perhaps vice versa, or perhaps fused at the genetic level, like Jeff Goldblum and a fly. Terrifying! Also: nonsensical! Also: no one really knows what a wolverine looks like, so we’re picturing Hugh Jackman’s head on the body of a mountain lion, and now we’re not going to be able to sleep.

Seriously, why not just go with “Wolverine”? Do you want to know how many roller coaster names the Roller Coaster Database lists starting with “Wolverine”? One: Wolverine Wildcat. They could have been unique; instead they ended up with a mythical creature that is half-generic, half-unimaginable.

On the other hand, “Wolverine” would not have made this list.


15. Mighty Mini Mega (Adventure Island, Southend on Sea, England)

“Mighty Mini”: that is a name we can understand. The little kids will see the word “mighty,” assuming they can read, and feel super grown up about the ride they are about to embark upon.

“Mini Mega”: a little contradictory, but again, we can sort of imagine a park with a ride called the Mega Something - Mega Dolphin, maybe - and this is the junior version of it, again for the little kids who aren’t quite ready for a full blown jet coaster.

“Mighty Mega”: that is definitely a roller coaster name we could get behind.

“Mighty Mini Mega”: make up your damn mind already.

Note: Adventure Island lacks any other roller coaster with the name “Mega” involved. The idea that this is “Mini Mega” makes no marketing sense.


14. These United States (Sun Fun Park, North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina)

We are trying to imagine what happened here:

Amusement Park Impresario (to project manager): And I want a stage with a show called “These United States,” it’s gonna be historical, it’ll have the Rockettes in little red, white and blue sequined costumes, there’ll be Sousa marches and we’ll have Mount Rushmore and cannons and a salute to American cheese and the whole thing will end with fireworks.”

Project Manager (to construction crew): And over here we’re gonna have an attraction called ‘These United States’” (hands over design memo; goes on vacation for 18 months).

Construction Crew: (misplaces design memo; builds roller coaster)


Project Manager (to impresario):
“Small conceptual change …”


13. Diving Coaster: Vanish (Yokohama Cosmoworld, Yokohama, Japan)

Like many of the entries on this list, this shows what happens when you are not content with the ordinary, and seek the extraordinary.  “Diving Coaster”: ehhh.  “Diving Coaster: Vanish”: now that’s a name. We like to imagine “Vanish” being said in a stage whisper, like a third-rate magician telling you he’s going to make his assistant disappear when you can plainly see she’s just dropping into the box’s false bottom. Which, by the way, is pretty much what this roller coaster does; it goes into a tunnel.  Marketing.


12. Orphan Rocker (Scenic World, Katoomba, Australia)

What the what? There is a video about this ride that claims it is the most dangerous in the world, and we have to say, that seems plausible enough. It is not clear whether it ever operated, perhaps because people did not flock to a ride whose name somehow implies that it will do horrible things to your anatomy that will cause you to lose your parents.


11. Broken Rail Roller Coaster (Great Xingdong Tourist World, Anshun, China)

We are going to leave behind the fictionalized plural of this commentary to note that even Kathy Hammett and I are not going to ride the Broken Rail Roller Coaster.


10. Whirly Roller Coaster (Floraland Continent Park, Chengdu, China)

Truth in advertising; it is indeed whirly.


9. Fast Coaster (Kok Tobe, Almaty, Kazakhstan)

Truth in advertising cannot be confirmed from still pictures. The database lists four roller coaster names beginning with “Fast”; none beginning with “Slow” or “Medium.”


8. New Wilder Wild Mouse (Lagoon, Farmington, Utah)

An even more impressive example of advertising built right into the name. The redundancy is especially pleasing.

This ride operated from 1973 to 1989, replacing the (apparently ordinary) Wild Mouse. Do you suppose by, say, 1980 or so, management was saying, “We really need to change that name; we can no longer fool people into thinking this ride is newer or wilder than it was last year”? In any case, they learned their lesson, and in 1998 they opened a new Wild Mouse entirely lacking in comparative claims.


7. Whistle Punk Chaser (Dollywood, Pigeon Forge, Tennessee)

Well. It turns out – we have spared no effort in compiling this list – a whistle punk is an actual thing, and it has nothing to do with the Keystone Kop chasing a miscreant youth down a cobblestone street that we had pictured. Webster says a whistle punk is “a lumberjack who operates the signal wire running to a donkey engine whistle” which … we know what each of those words mean, but not all of them together, and certainly not in the context of Dollywood. It is also not clear who is chasing the whistle punk and why. It seems like “Log Ride” might have been clearer – and yet, as in so many pursuits, in artistry does greatness lie.


6. Speedy Bob (Bobbejaanland, Antwerp, Belgium)
   
Oki Doki (Bobbejaanland, Antwerp, Belgium)

A twofer for Bobbejaanland – and rabbit-hole time. But first: Oki Doki means exactly what you think it means, and if Kathy Hammett and we – I – were at Bobbejaanland I am fairly certain we would be repeating the phrase Oki Doki until one of us grew exceedingly tired of it, which would not stop us – me – from carrying on with it far too long. As for Speedy Bob, we suppose it might be meant to suggest bobsleds. However, there is a second ride at Bobbejaanland called the “Bob Express,” which you would think would cause endless confusion for guests, and perhaps does, but which more pertinently features a train engine at in front of the coaster cars, suggesting the name(s?) have nothing to do with bobsleds, but rather our preferred scenario where the park owners named the ride “Bob” in homage to Bobbejaan.


Which brings us to that rabbit hole. Bobbejaanland is kind of the Dollywood of Belgium. It’s named for its founder Bobbejaan Schoeppen, who was an enormously popular Flemish singer beginning in the 1940s and on into the 1970s. His Wikipedia page, which is well worth a read, says he was “a versatile entertainer, entrepreneur, singer-songwriter, guitarist, comedian, actor, and professional whistler” – professional whistler!  In 1943, at the age of 18, he appeared in a cabaret and sang a South African song with the lyrics “Mommy, I want a husband. No mommy no, I don't want a German ‘cause I don't like pig meat.” It did not endear him to the occupying Nazis. They closed the concert hall and hauled Schoeppen off to a work camp for three months.

After the war, he and a friend took their act on the road. It was then that he took the name Bobbejaan, which is “baboon” in Afrikaans, and became increasingly popular, etc., you can read the Wikipedia page, it really is worth your time. Eventually, he tired of club owners keeping most of the take, and bought a circus tent, and would travel around throwing up his tent and putting on a show like we all dream of doing, Zorro’s horse is involved, he became a film actor – really, read the Wikipedia page. Finally he tired of the road, bought 30 hectares of swamp, put up the tent permanently and started letting his fans come to him instead of the other way around.

They called the place “Bobbejaanland,” and over time, as Wikipedia puts it in an exceedingly lovely and heartbreaking sentence, “The amusement park finally dominated the cabaret, and the entrepreneur the artist.” Schoeppen and his family ran the park until 2004, when he sold it, and he and his wife continued living there until his death in 2010.

And if you persist in believing, after all that, that “Speedy Bob” refers to bobsleds, I don’t know what to do with you.


5. Termite Coaster (Wonderla Amusement Park Bangalore, Bangalore, India)

We leave to you to decide which is more salient: the name “Termite Coaster,” or the fact that there are, not one, but four roller coasters in India themed to termites.


4. Traumatizer (Southport Pleasureland, Merseyside, England)

“Thriller”? Sure. “Screamer”? You betcha. “Timber Terror”? Outta my way.

“Traumatizer”? We’re gonna sit this one out.


3. Hundeprutten (Bon-Bon Land, Holme-Olstrup, Denmark)

Punch that one into Google Translate. We’ll wait.


2. Stress Express (Fantawild Adventure, Zhengzhou, China)

Your Coworkers, The Ride.


1. Super Speed Cool-Cool Bear (Beijing Amusement Park, Beijing, China)

Our winner, and as the Australian horse racing announcers say, “daylight second.”